How do I part with both of my breasts? How does it make any sense at all, the cutting off of two beloved, former baby-comforting, perhaps slightly sexy parts of my female anatomy? How will my clothes fit? Will I cry when I look in the mirror and see my new and less curvy upper torso? When I gaze down in the shower, what will I see? Not the roundness of two rather small breasts, but perhaps protruding ribs formerly unnoticed? A tummy marked by the stretching of childbirth? Unwanted scars?
Will my yoga poses feel the same, when I open my chest to the sky and open my heart? When I take long walks, will my awareness wander to my empty chest and mourn the lack of slight movement? Will I comfort myself by wearing a small sports bra to keep the familiar snug feeling around my upper body?
Or will I smile? Will I feel light with the lack of fear of tiny cancer cells multiplying maliciously beneath my skin? Will I experience the freedom of wearing a T-shirt without a bra and run around unhindered? Will I embrace the flat look of my chest, knowing my clothes look different, but not worse.
Will I always be able to embrace my body with love and reverence, for my body is part of me, but it is not me. Will I find a way to feel comforted by my new figure, see it as a reflection of self-care and determination, just as I admire a newly tightened muscle I have worked hard to develop?
I will not do this with anger, but with love and intention. I will mourn, but I will celebrate. I will share, and I will push some limits. I will say YES to my ever-changing life. My new sexy is waiting, unique and undefined.
Andrea, I have been away from blogland, and have just seen your recent posts. What beautiful, HARD, incredible posts they are. I am sending you white light and the sound of waves and love and fine thoughts and green leaves of trees and laughter. Yes, to your Yeses. Yes to love! Yes to celebration. Yes to your ever changing life. Yes to you claiming YOU out of all of this. I'm sending more love and admiration too, across the ocean to you.
ReplyDeleteHelena, The sound of waves is just what I needed on this rather chilly morning, thank you.
DeleteI read this post a few hours ago and still can't find the right words to tell you how amazing I think you are. You are beautiful, and nothing will change that. You will be on my mind and in my heart on Monday and beyond.
ReplyDeleteJean, I am soaking in your sweet words. Thank you for sending me just a little more strength today.
DeleteI haven't commented here for a long time, but wanted to send you love xxxx
ReplyDeleteDeb, Thanks for the comment, and the love.
ReplyDeleteThis is such a beautiful post, I woke up thinking about it this morning. Your honesty, intention, light, and strength just shine. I wish every woman faced with this surgery could hear your words. Wishing you an uneventful surgery and a swift healing, I will be thinking of you tomorrow.
ReplyDeleteThis journey will be hard, difficult, and sobering. But it will also be enlightening, strengthening, and so full of clarity. Most of all, the beauty and wisdom you will gain will totally negate the breast you will part with. And in the end, that kind of particular beauty is always hard earned, but how it shines!
ReplyDeleteSending positive healing thoughts to you Andrea - constantly.
ReplyDeleteAndrea,
ReplyDeleteIt is sort of fitting the quote I have on my blog header right now: " It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; What is essential is invisible to the eye."
~Antoine de Saint Exupery
Beauty is who we are as women. Beauty is how we respond to what live gives us. Beauty is expressed in our words and our emotions. You are beautiful.
You are in my thoughts,
Jessica
Oh Andrea! I'm sorry you're facing this journey. I absolutely love what Jean and Mamak said, and agree with them wholeheartedly. I am thinking of you and sending all the healing vibes I've got, along with warmth and light! I'll be thinking of you all day today and praying for a very quick recovery. I know you're surrounded by supportive people, but if there is anything I can do, let me know! -Amanda
ReplyDeleteThinking of you today. Love and light. Xo
ReplyDeleteSending love, love, and more love to you, Andrea.
ReplyDeleteHopefully you can take all these messages of love and let them strengthen you as you need.
Your beautiful words uplift humanity, and we all hope that our tiny gifts to you will help to uplift you, as well.
Hoping today went well. Peace and healing energy to you.
ReplyDeleteAndrea,
ReplyDeleteI wanted to let you know that I have been reading along and keeping you in my thoughts, sending you lovingkindness and so much light.
I am touched by your strength and clarity, and am holding you in my heart.
Blessings,
Stacy
You were in my thoughts all yesterday Andrea, and remain there today. I hope healing is peaceful and forever :)
ReplyDeleteAndrea,
ReplyDeleteI love you. That's the only thing I can say in response to such a beautiful, heart-felt post and the journey you're facing.
I don't have cancer, but I do have a BRCA2 mutation, and whether my choice or diagnosis, I may someday lose my breasts too. I'm printing off and keeping your post, in case that day comes.
Much love and healing,
Jenny