Why Am I So Happy?

Really?  I can't understand myself.  I should be having a bad week.  I had surgery to remove both of my breasts, I hurt and I am uncomfortable.  My yoga love, Anusara, has blown up and disintegrated before my eyes. All of my teachers have left Anusara, and my upcoming teacher training is on shaky grounds. My teachers, Todd Norian and Ann Greene, have both resigned their Anusara licenses.  I completely understand, it is just going to be strange to go to an Anusara Teacher Training when no one is signed on to be a certified teacher anymore.

But I am in a surprisingly good mood.  The breast cancer stuff is a no brainer.  The pathology reports came back yesterday, and I am good to go, no invasive cancer found, treatment is done.  I am able to make plans again!  I had been fairly concerned about the need for chemotherapy, to have it off the table is a huge relief. 

Am I sad or angry about removing my left breast now that I know it did not have any cancer cells?  No.  I am excited to be done with this surgery.  It has not been a pleasant experience.  But to be able to choose surgery, and to heal at a time when I feel very healthy and strong, is important to me.  I no longer have to wonder when/if breast cancer will reoccur and interrupt my active life.  No more biopsies and mammograms.  I have been aggressive, but not without good cause.  I thought long and hard about how I would feel waking up with one breast removed and the other intact, and the feeling was not one I felt confident living with.  I now feel very confident.  And symmetrical. And flat.

I still have drains in both breasts (former breasts?).  The drains are not painful, but I have an awareness of them.  I believe they limit my activity and  I am beginning to suspect my doctor is leaving them in here to keep me confined longer.  It's a conspiracy to keep my home and under control!!  It is true, without them I would probably be doing more than I should. As it is now, I look a bit like a robot all hooked up to lifelines.  It's a pain in the ass.  I can't wait to sleep on my stomach.  My wardrobe is limited right now as well.  I have big long tubes to hide.

My family and my friends are absolutely amazing.  I have been so well taken care of.  And so many people have prayed for me.  I am not a prayer person, not religious in any sort of way anyone defines, but I do believe in positive thinking, the flow of good energy, and the power of intention.  I have felt comforted at unexpected times, and I have felt supported and not alone in the slightest.  I have not gone through this alone.  I have had so many people right here with me.  How could I not feel good?

The kids.  The boys have had an interesting week.  Being home with me while I haven't been myself has at times been challenging for them.  They have matured this week.  I would have been so lonely without them here.  I had hugs from them constantly.  They carried things for me and talked on the phone when people called.  I have had my hair brushed and my ice packs delivered then returned to the freezer.  They have kept me in check, making sure I am not doing too much, but letting me know when they needed me to be mom and step it up a bit.  My mom has been here running them around to all of their usual activities, and my dear husband stayed home almost all week.  Today he may stay at work the entire day, we will see.....he may need to come home and check in on me early once again.

I am blissed out.  I have so much to do and enjoy.  This crazy life is full of contrasts, highs and lows, the beautiful moments next to moments of despair.  It is all here to be experienced and fully felt.  I can only feel this much joy, because not long ago I felt this much fear.  The pendulum swing is amazing.

Thank you for being here with me this week.  I honor you and send you my love.  I hold you in my heart, and hope to bring you joy.

Andrea